I have to ride this natural high for as long as possible… before the dreaded depression sets in.
You: Huh? Depression? What are you talking about, Dicey?
Me: It’s true. I work hard to write original stories, to convey my innermost demons in such a way that they can be understood and entertaining. I put in countless hours, writing when most of the world is asleep. Sometimes, I neglect other duties for the sake of focusing on my passion. I immerse myself in my characters and their worlds, and I make sure I’ve edited it well.
So when I’m done writing a story from beginning to end, I’m super excited. Over the fucking moon, excited. I’m on top of the world, because I KNOW I’m a bonafide #badass. You know it too, because you’ll congratulate me. You’ll tell me how much I inspire you. You’ll ask for my assistance in writing your own book and getting it out to the public. And an even smaller number of you, who actually read my books, will buy it immediately. You want to not only support me as an artist, but you want to enjoy my latest work.
Thank you! I love you.
What you don’t know is that a day or so later, after my book is out, my feeling of accomplishment dies. I need to do something else to make up for my feelings of failure. Yes. Within days after achieving something so remarkable, I feel like a failure. Believe me–I know that’s ridiculous, but it’s the truth.
You: Dicey, how is this possible?
Me: Because you don’t see how bad I want it. IT. Success. How badly I want to be recognized for my work. How badly I want to be appreciated. How badly I want to NOT be mediocre. I don’t want to just sell a few books and get a handful of reviews. I want the WORLD to read my filth and have an opinion about it, good or bad. I want my books to be discussed, and for “Dicey Grenor” to be a well-known author name like so many others that don’t have anything more special to contribute to the literary world than I do. I think my work is up to par. What I don’t have is the wide net that others do, and that bothers me. It does.
I swear to god, I am working so hard at staying positive. My husband will tell you all the things I go through that YOU don’t see. Focusing on those of you who share my work and show appreciation is difficult, because I’m OCD enough to see the ones who aren’t and won’t. The ones who have their hands out aaallll the time asking what I can do for them, and won’t bother to support me. I SEE THEM. I see the ones who I’ve supported through the years and how they ignore my achievements, MY requests for support. And I’m trying my damnedest not to. I want to ignore them and see YOU, my supporters. Okay? I’m working on that. If I get it right this time, maybe I can avoid the depression stage. I want that for myself. I deserve it.
You don’t know how bad I want to ignore that some folks in my feed shared Rachel Dolezal’s book in mockery of her being a white woman capitalizing off the black experience, while I, as a black female writer, can’t get them to share a link about my book not even once. They won’t like my FB author page. Won’t like an IG post. Nothing. But they shared her book. They don’t even realize they gave her publicity and perpetuated the very thing they want to extinguish. But it’s okay. I had some pretty supportive friends, who did not share her book, but made sure I had a voice today. While you’re out screaming “fight the power” and doing nothing to help black artists, I’m doing my best to focus on the folks who actually support this marginalized writer. It’s hard, but I’m going to try harder.
With that in mind, here’s some good news: I had 60 people give me permission to tag their FB pages with my book promo today–YAY! That’s progress from the blip in the social mediasphere I’ve made in the past. I reached out to two authors privately that I’ve supported in the past and haven’t chatted with in a while, and one agreed to help. That’s progress. I got some retweets on Twitter and some faves on IG. That’s all progress.
Each of you who showed your support for my T E N T H book release today (SLEEPY WILLOW’S REDEEMED SOUL, The Narcoleptic Vampire Series Vol. 4), my first in two years, have my heartfelt gratitude. I hope you and some of your friends will give my books a chance. I’m going to keep doing what I love. I’m going to keep trying to stay positive about it. I hope you’ll be part of this process, but that’s your choice. I’ll tell you what though–if you’re not, don’t come looking for my help later. Deal?
If you’re new to my books, and want to start at the beginning of my erotic urban fantasy series, I’d be happy to have you as part of my fandom. This is SLEEPY WILLOW’S BONDED SOUL (The Narcoleptic Vampire Series Vol. 1).
If you’re feeling particularly inspired to support me, this is The Narcoleptic Vampire Series box set of the first five books in the series: